Jake goes to the cutter
by the iradiating irabi
Summary: jake lives his life as a kittypet then goes on some wacky adventures
1. Chapter 1

jake sighed with releif. he had finally gotten that bi-colored loser with the long ass tail off his rear. now he could be free to thot around all he liked. "ooooohhhh Quiinnceee!" he called to the gray she cat. sliding over like a cartoon character, he wiggled his non-existant eyebrows. 'oh no, my heart is broken. wanna go out?' 'sure' quince said, three kittens materializing in front of her. 'here's your babies btw.' jake sweat nervously like a tumblr fan-fiction. "oh. they're beautiful. i'll be right back, okay?' quince smiled at him 'sure thing sweet heart' jake ran to a house on the other side of the two-leg place, finding a shitty father like himself. 'hey.' he said. the brown cat looked up. 'oh hi, nice necklace you got there.' jake scowled. 'it's not a necklace, it's a collar.' 'ok nice neckcollar, where do i get one?' said the brown cat. 'oh by the way i can die nine times.' jake raised his eye brows. maybe he could do some interesting stuff with this cat. 'ok cool, i need to move so i dont have to see my demon spawn. one of them had bangs.' the brown cat hopped up on the fence, leaving his clan behind for this random ginger stranger. the two boy-friends wandered off to their new house. jake looked around. 'wow it's so cozy' he said. the brown cat was busy doing his cult rituals, so jake looked around. 'oo.' he noticed a brown she cat. 'hi, do you like red-heads?' the she cat waved at him somehow. then like a billion kittens appeared in front of her after one date. 'sorry i forgot to tell you.' jake sighed, deciding he had no where else to run to. he made monthly payments to nutmegs house of one rusty spoon every month. nutmeg treasured these, so she named her first born son which somehow looked like his deadbeat dad after the rusty spoon.


	2. Chapter 2

div class="markup"jake sat by his kind of boyfriend kind of not. 'so do you like tom cats?' he looked over. 'what do you mean by this.' jake was too socially awkward to speak to him so he wandered off, getting his paws muddy as he walked through th rain. he saw that one tuxedo freak he had traveled with for like three days. "hi" he siad. because the fandom had gotten to tallstar, he had turned into a hermaphrodite. 'oh hi jake-y wakey." tallstar went out of character just long enough to make many mistakes. jake touched him and a small, bi colored cat popped out. "crap." he had smudged some of his mud on tallstars fur with the mud on his paws. "we need to get rid of this smudge." jake looked around for a wash cloth "no thats our son." tallstar responded. "shit" jake picked up the piece of crap and went running, determined not to have to drain his bank account on another bastard son. but before he could reach the burlap sack factory, his twolegs picked him up. "oh hi jake-y wakey." they brought him back to his place with pineconestar, and he looked around nervously. "hi jake. who is this." said the living dirt. "oh i found him." he made the same excuse all warrior cats rpers use, and it worked. "oh ok. know his name?" he thought back to the mud on his thots fur. "oh it's smooch. i mean smudge." pinestar picked up smudge. "you are my replacement son. dont be evil." jake spun around, noticing his twolegs walking in doors. "hey jakey-wakey, weve got ur friend a collar." somehow they knew his name by observing these weird cats behavior, so they put the jingle-rope around his neck. jake got to pretend he wasnt the parent, so pinestar took full custody of the living abomination and gave him his lazy, ginger cat attracted personality/div 


	3. Chapter 3

jake sat outside, looking into the forest. he saw a clone of himself, shook. "oh no, that must be nutmeg's mistake." he ran away as fast as usain bolt, trying to find something to do besides die form all these children suffocating him. pinestar followed him. "jake-y wakey, our son got beaten up by a forest cat." "i told you he's not my son." jake swept his emo hair to the side. he had grown it out just like his darkest son, though they never met after his mother phased them into reality. "jake dont be like that." pinestar gave his cat husband a kiss, and harper collins edited it out. pinestar gave his not-cat husband a lick, smiling. "i'm expecting jake-y wakey." 'what" jake said "but arent you a tom?" pinestar spun around. "did you just assume that? just because i have a male body doesnt mean im a male cat." jakey wakey looked at the magical abomination and nodded. "okay okay it's alright. who's the father?" "you" jake blinked. he thought he had worn protection. "well darn." pinestar then gave birth to that one kittypet who replaced rusty, sasha's friend, and cody, that one cat who was in the second arc for two seconds. "wow you cant have ANY decent children?" pinestar looked up "speak for yourself your son is the whole reason my son was a bad dad like me." jake realized that pinestar knew about his in-fidelity. "darn. i sowwy." pinestar looked up. "it's ok. now we can raise all these side characters in peace."


	4. Chapter 4

jake sat down on the table, a big twoleg in a giant white labcoat looking at him. he didnt know why his owners had drug him from the pub over here, but he knew it couldnt be good. the twoleg raised his hands, subduing the little neon orange cat. he yowled at the twoleg. how dare he interupt his time with his new boyfriend and girlfriend, nut egg and pinestark? of course it was never at the same time, but who cared. the twoleg placed his hand on his crotch. jake spun around. the twoleg spun around. jakes left testicle went flying into the air. 'oh no' he said 'where shall i find another?' jake sighed. at least now he wouldn't have to pay child support.


	5. Chapter 5

jake sat on his fence, then died. it was sad. he then somehow went to starclan even though he was a kittypet. he looked over his whole domain, disappointed that he had his testicles cut off before he could make the entire cat population ginger. "darn." jake got tons of pity from the fandom, then went on to spend his time in starclan getting his funky on. he then recognized a dying cat. "woah it's the mother of my not-child, lazy cat." he walked over to tallstar. "hey tall-y how's it been." tallstar went out of character again "oh sweet jake! my little honeypot, you are the love of my life, i waited all this time to see you! I helped protect your son! I understand that you moved on, it's okay!" jake smiled awkwardly. "haha yeah but i never stopped loving you." he looked over to the other starclan cat's he had woo'd, sweating. "hey do you wanna come over here for a second?" jake led him away and then raced out of cat heaven, sweating. "woah, so close." then who-ever wrote the third arc came up to him. "hey wanna be re-incarnated? we need an interesting plot." "ok" jake then became rainwhisker, the biggest side character ever. "nice! now i can mate with all the rogues I want and never get any consequences for it. side characters can _never_ have forbidden love besides in crookedstar's promise." the authors decided whatever this gray version of jake was doing, it wasn't as interesting as giving cats super powers. jake-rainwhisker proceeded to mate with every rogue he came across until he had the death of a side character, going back to cat heaven again for some reason.

and that was the end of jakey wakeys story


End file.
